Forgiving Failure Facilitates Freedom

Have you ever been put in a position where you needed to forgive someone? I know that everybody always says, forgiveness is not for the other person, it's for you. And I know that we all can on some level agree that that is the case. I in fact know that that is the case. But when we are faced with it, it does not seem like such an easy choice. Because sometimes we feel that by forgiving someone for something that they've done to us, we are letting them off the hook. That we are setting them free of punishment for what they've done. And because we are hurting, because they have done us wrong in some way, we feel like they should continue to get punished.  And if me being angry and not letting it go is a way to punish them, then that's how they should be punished. But we feel like if we forgive them for that, we're like letting them off the hook. 

That is not the way that forgiveness actually works.

But when we are faced with it, that can sometimes be our perception. And I know for myself, that has often been my perception.

“I don't want to, I don't want to let this go. I don't want to. I don't want to let it go”.

Because if I let it go, then he's just gonna think that it's okay to do it over and over and over and over again. So the only way that I can punish him is by not letting it go by continually bringing it back up, by continually making him feel guilty about it.

Right? That's with dealing with forgiveness for another person. That makes forgiveness really, really tricky.

Now, let's turn that on ourselves. We feel like whether or not we forgive ourselves, it doesn't impact anybody else, maybe. But similarly to the way that you won't forgive somebody else for something that they've done to you, because you feel like they need to be punished, we do the same things to ourselves.

Have you ever tried to forgive yourself for not having food on the table for your kid? Unfathomable. Something like that we would say is unforgivable. That is unforgivable. And this term unforgivable pops up a lot, particularly if we're looking at things that you have done in your numbing behaviors and the impact that has had on other people. Some of those things that you have done seem unforgivable. Sometimes you can't even speak on them because you are so filled with shame for those choices you've made that not only are they unforgivable, but they are unspeakable. 

The only way for us to become better, to do better, is to forgive ourselves for all of those unforgivable things that we have done.

And I personally believe that forgiving ourselves is harder than forgiving someone else. Because we feel like we deserve to be punished. And we do. There there's no doubt that in many ways we do, but living a life of constantly punishing yourself and constantly snowballing the effects of all of the mistakes you've made, will not help anyone!

And it will keep you trapped in a pattern of abusive behavior, not abusive… Self abuse, addictive behavior. It will keep you stuck in that cycle because when you try to think about some of the things that you've done, even if the only affected you, even even if they only affected you. In your mind, in my mind, some of those things were so unforgivable that I couldn't let them go. I felt like I needed to be punished forever. And we punished ourselves by not dealing with it. And continuing to numb ourselves because the idea of thinking about it is just unbearable.

Forgiveness, I think is the most challenging thing about addiction. And not only aspects of trying to ask someone else to forgive us for the things that we've done to them, because we don't feel like we should be forgiven.

I guarantee you. Most of us do not feel like we deserve to be forgiven. So to have to ask that of someone else who we know we have caused irreparable harm to, is almost impossible.

To ask ourselves to forgive ourselves seems even more impossible, because not only do we need to punish ourselves for ourselves, but we feel like everybody who we hurt, everybody that we have caused harm to feels like we deserve to be punished too.

So how dare we let go of that pain and try to be better?

How dare we forgive ourselves and end that punishment that we are forcing upon ourselves?

That makes overcoming addiction nearly impossible for a lot of people. Because no matter what good you do, no matter how much you feel like you can change, you still feel like you should be punished for the things that you've done. Because in your mind, in the minds of the people you have hurt, some of the things you have done are unforgivable.

But the only way, in my opinion, the only way for you to overcome addiction is to embrace forgiveness.

Embrace the grace of forgiveness that other people give to you, but most of all embrace the grace of forgiveness that you give yourself. Embrace forgiving yourself! Because only then can you really try to be a different person. Try to be a better version of yourself.

And being a better version of yourself, not repeating those same mistakes, is the only way that you can ever make things right.

Because you can't go back.

You can't go back and make a different decision.

You cannot fix any of the damage that you've caused in your addiction.

You cannot fix any of it.

Much as you may want to. you can't fix any of it.

The only thing you can do is try to do better moving forward. And in order for you to try to do better moving forward, you have to offer yourself the grace of forgiving yourself for the mistakes that you have made.

And that is the hardest step.

Truly the hardest step.

So when I talk about “Forgiving Failure Facilitates Freedom”, sure... (This man's about to run me over, sir.) Sure, forgive someone who has hurt you. We should always be willing to forgive people that have hurt us, but that's really hard because we somehow feel like they should still be punished. But I guarantee you, just as you are doing, they are very likely punishing the fuck out of themselves. So when I speak on “Forgiving Failure Facilitates Freedom”, I am speaking about forgiving yourself.

Forgiving yourself for those mistakes you've made.

Forgiving those things that you have done that you feel like are absolutely unforgivable. Because unless you do that, you will be a prisoner to your shame forever. By forgiving those failures that you have made, it allows you freedom from them. It allows you freedom to move about the world in a different way and to try to do better. 

If you are constantly bombarded by the guilt and shame of these unforgivable things, you will never be better. You will never try to get better because you don't feel like you deserve to be better. 

“Forgiving Failure Facilitates Freedom”, is directed towards you, forgiving yourself for the choices you've made, for the pain you have caused, for the unforgivable things. 

And it doesn't even have to be things that you've done in a state of addiction. That is my primary example, because I was in that state of addiction for so long that there was nothing else outside of it. 

But I know that a lot of people make mistakes, not within the parameters of an addictive behavior, but just in life. And this applies to those people as well.

You have to be able to forgive yourself for that failure. Learn what you can from it and grow. If you are constantly berating yourself for your failures, because maybe you think you need to be a perfectionist… you could never be better. You'll always be stuck, feeling like you're not good enough, feeling like you're unworthy. Overwhelmed with your own guilt and shame.

“Forgiving Failure Facilitates Freedom”.

It facilitates freedom for you, it facilitates freedom for others, and it is absolutely essential if you want to break the chains of addiction. Absolutely essential.

I wish for you healing and personal growth.

Please Prioritize Self-Care and Mindfulness

ALL MY LOVE,

AbFabNerd